The benefit of living in a welfare state...
Today I had the letter I'd been hoping and waiting for, telling me that my application for Employment Support Allowance (ESA) had been accepted and I would be receiving benefit every 2 weeks.
I know that in the current climate of recession and high pries, many people are getting angry about the amount of benefits handed out to people in this country, but for many they are a necessity for any level of independent living, and in my honest appearance the government has wasted a lot more money on non-essentials ( war and complicated paperwork in education spring to mind as two examples...). The truth is there are some fraudulant claimers out there, but they are in the minority, the majority need the money they ask for. putting in claims is not for the faint hearted. You are probed quizzed and treated with suspicion. Especially those on Job Seekers Allowance (JSA). There are many (Daily Mail readers) people who are quick to tell you that people on JSA don't want to work and are happy to sign on, perhaps these people have never ssuffered the humiliation of going to the job centre every fortnight and eing talked down to like a slow three year old, whilst being sent on compulsry courses giving "self-esteem" workshops and lessons in "job search skills" (because unemployed people are all to stupid to use the internet...) the humiliation involved mean some (like myself) actually sign off even if they don't have a job lined up, I was lucky when I did this to have incredibly supportive and understanding parents whokept a roof over my head- most do not have that support. Personally I think if they can put up with the crap forced on them by the job centre without losing it completely, they have an amazing strength of character and ironically would be brilliant in a high pressure work place!
Anyway I digress, as I am not getting JSA, but ESA which basically took over from Incapacity Benefit a year or two ago. My reasons for aapplying are 1) as a cancer sufferer I am entitled to it and was advised to claim by my oncologist, 2) that I am looking at least at not being able to work until June(possibly longer) and 3) Iwould like to keep my savings at a reasonable level.
I am the first to admit I don't have huge out going expenses at the moment, but only as I've moved back in with my parents. This is actually one reason for my claim, as a 33 year old woman, I don't feel right sponging of my retired parents ( for the record, both ex-professionals who paid taxes their entire working lives and have never gone overdrawn, let alone got into debt) Although comfortable, my parents are by no means wealthy, and most of their pensions go into running the house, bills and (NOW) looking after me. - . incase you're under any illusion, I am not being paid a fortune. I will recieve £133 every 2 weeks- amounting to £66.50 a week. Of this £35 will go to my parents (wanted to pay more- they refused!) £50 pounds will go into my savings account, and £48 will be left for me to spend (toiletries clothes etc) Not exactly living the high life, but am grateful to live in a country that supports people when they need help.
Planning the future...
Am going to try and talk about my concept of the future, without gettting too bleak or depressing. I don't know if my feelings are the same as for others with cancer (and I certainly wouldn't presume to speak for them) but for me, the future is a slightly weird concept. Nobody knows how long they will inhabit the Earth, but most can assume it will be a long time. I don't have the luxury of making this assumption , when I forget my resolve to ignore statisticson websites, I find that many brain tumour sufferers are lucky to reach 5 years without recurrence (I made it just over the 5 year line before my own recurrence. So I have this unspoken dilemma, do I happily plan for a long time future, or fce the fact that my life expectancy is probably shorter, and therfore, \i should probably not worry and just do as much as > can before the inevitable happens. The problem being of course that one always reads about "miracle exceptions of people who have cancer twice, then live for 20 years without ever becoming ill again..! I have made some decisions though. I made the decision last time (t the age of 28) not to have children. Many cancer survivors have children, but for me the possibility of one day putting your child through seeeing your illness and then possibly losing you is something I don't want to contmplate. I have no doubt that if I reach 40 without anymore illness, I may regret this decision, but it feels right to me, and given the overcrowding and lack of resources on this planet, I may be helpintg the world by not reproducing!
Another aspect affected is travel, since my first diagnosis 5 years ago, I have been flying round the world like a girl on a mission: I love travel, but I am not sure I will work abroad again as orriginally planned. I'm a little to scared of a relapse whilst away ( it was a cloe call with Taiwan), so think my travels will be reduced to holidays and short breaks- still determined to fit in some more countries thoug
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Saturday, 21 January 2012
recclaiming ambidexterity...
As most of you who have been following this blog know; I have been without the use of my left hand (and arm) for about 2 months now.
Strangely, thre first hint I had that my hand was getting weaker was way back in November, when I tried playing Guitar Hero on the Wii. Now, I am obviously a very modest person, but it is no exageration to state, that before the tumour I was most fantastically kick-ass at this very game!
However on this occasion, I found my fingers kept sliding off the required buttons, and I couldn't keep them there, so began making stupid mistakes and failing to get anywhere near good. Over the next few weeks, I noticed my arm and hand getting weaker and weaker, until I couldn't keep my arm raised for more than a few seconds, couldn't use my hand at all, and needed help with the most basic activities such as tying my hair up, doing up my shoelaces, and cutting up my dinner. It's been a particular blow to me as I have always been fairly ambidextrous, and able to use both hands equally. Although predominently right-handed, I could do most things with my left hand, even rwriting, although not as neatly (due to lack of practice).
Since the weakness got really bad (from just before Christmas) my arm and hand have felt dead. Not only could I not use them, but I couldn't feel them either; meaning a few scary incidences such as burning my hand on the top of a radiator, without realising it had slipped there, knocking things over, and finding myself halfway through a meal with my hand in the dinner! also equally embarassing are the elements of weakness to other parts of my left side, such as dribbling and not realising I have food on my face being a prime example.
However, hopefully the clouds are clearing a little. Soon after my first chemo cycle, I noticed that my arm was feeling warm- not hot, just naturally alive warm, as opposed to icy and dead! Then just before my 2nd cycle started, I realised I could hold things for a short period of time (a few seconds) in my left hand.I also found I finally had enough flexibility to do my own hair. Since finishing the second cycle on Wednesday, I can add using cutlery to my repatoire! I wouldn't say it feels completely normal yet, I still have to concentrate really hard on holding on to the fork, but at least it means I can cut up my own dinner!
Before everyone gets carried away, my left side has a long way to go. I still find two-hand typing clumsy and difficult (have written all this with one hand) and there is still some dribbling which irritates the hell out of me! I am also still using a stick outside, although my walking is getting stronger, so think I'll be able to do without soon. The main thing now is that there is hope that the treatment is actually doing something! And that all the tiredness, stress and sickness will be worth it.
Strangely, thre first hint I had that my hand was getting weaker was way back in November, when I tried playing Guitar Hero on the Wii. Now, I am obviously a very modest person, but it is no exageration to state, that before the tumour I was most fantastically kick-ass at this very game!
However on this occasion, I found my fingers kept sliding off the required buttons, and I couldn't keep them there, so began making stupid mistakes and failing to get anywhere near good. Over the next few weeks, I noticed my arm and hand getting weaker and weaker, until I couldn't keep my arm raised for more than a few seconds, couldn't use my hand at all, and needed help with the most basic activities such as tying my hair up, doing up my shoelaces, and cutting up my dinner. It's been a particular blow to me as I have always been fairly ambidextrous, and able to use both hands equally. Although predominently right-handed, I could do most things with my left hand, even rwriting, although not as neatly (due to lack of practice).
Since the weakness got really bad (from just before Christmas) my arm and hand have felt dead. Not only could I not use them, but I couldn't feel them either; meaning a few scary incidences such as burning my hand on the top of a radiator, without realising it had slipped there, knocking things over, and finding myself halfway through a meal with my hand in the dinner! also equally embarassing are the elements of weakness to other parts of my left side, such as dribbling and not realising I have food on my face being a prime example.
However, hopefully the clouds are clearing a little. Soon after my first chemo cycle, I noticed that my arm was feeling warm- not hot, just naturally alive warm, as opposed to icy and dead! Then just before my 2nd cycle started, I realised I could hold things for a short period of time (a few seconds) in my left hand.I also found I finally had enough flexibility to do my own hair. Since finishing the second cycle on Wednesday, I can add using cutlery to my repatoire! I wouldn't say it feels completely normal yet, I still have to concentrate really hard on holding on to the fork, but at least it means I can cut up my own dinner!
Before everyone gets carried away, my left side has a long way to go. I still find two-hand typing clumsy and difficult (have written all this with one hand) and there is still some dribbling which irritates the hell out of me! I am also still using a stick outside, although my walking is getting stronger, so think I'll be able to do without soon. The main thing now is that there is hope that the treatment is actually doing something! And that all the tiredness, stress and sickness will be worth it.
Saturday, 14 January 2012
2nd time's a charm...
Day one, Chemo cycle 2: this morning I was knocked for six, with severe nausia and a little vomiting which thankfully stopped by midday. I'm hoping ithis cycle follows the same pattern as the last- I was sick the first morning, then fine (apart from exhaustion for the remaining 4 and a half days.
Found out this week, I'll be having six cycles altogether, which basically means I'm stuck doing this every month up to May- such joy!
I think the worst thing is you have to put so many plans on hold, or change them altogether. Wghen I left Taiwan in October, my initial plan was to look for TEFL work in Europe starting in January.Obviously that didn't happen.
Even knowing a rough finishing date in May doesn't really help, as I have no idea how I will be feeling, or even if the treatment will have worked, which makes life awkward from a getting a job point of view, or even for my top priority- taking a holiday!!
The best I can do is make the most of my free time, I've been reading like crazy, and have managed to get some writing done, haven't seen friends much though, as I'm always too knackered to go out! Thank God for TV!
One positive though, I still have nouse of my left arm or hand, but am getting more flexibility, can now put my hair up without asking my mother!
Found out this week, I'll be having six cycles altogether, which basically means I'm stuck doing this every month up to May- such joy!
I think the worst thing is you have to put so many plans on hold, or change them altogether. Wghen I left Taiwan in October, my initial plan was to look for TEFL work in Europe starting in January.Obviously that didn't happen.
Even knowing a rough finishing date in May doesn't really help, as I have no idea how I will be feeling, or even if the treatment will have worked, which makes life awkward from a getting a job point of view, or even for my top priority- taking a holiday!!
The best I can do is make the most of my free time, I've been reading like crazy, and have managed to get some writing done, haven't seen friends much though, as I'm always too knackered to go out! Thank God for TV!
One positive though, I still have nouse of my left arm or hand, but am getting more flexibility, can now put my hair up without asking my mother!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)