Today is day 3/5 of my fifth cycle of chemo. I'll spare you all the self-pittying rambles of what this means; anyone who has been reading this blog will already have a fair idea of how I feel and lets just say it's not pretty...!
I will however just mention the little fact that this cycle was over the Easter weekend. On the plus side- the N&N hospital was nearly deserted on Good Friday, when I went to pick up my drugs, so for once my brother had no problem finding a parking space in the usually manic hospital carpark.
However now we come to the (obvious) negative. With no means to offend anyone of aa religious leaning, but I don't actually have any religious affiliation, actively classing myself as humanist, rather than connecting to any of the major religions. So just as Christmas fo me is more about being with family and friends, Easter is about weloming he spring and...chocolate! Problem being that when presented with choolate yesterday, the thought of eating it made me so nausious, that it's been put away until Thursday, when I can hopefully enjoy it!
Anyway, this desire to not even being in the same room as chocolate, especially when being eaten by other people (thanks so much family!), got me to thinking about one aspect of caner that people don't seem to mention. ANd that is the necessity to be absolutely selfish.
I know that sounds like quite a statement. And hell, I'm not going to suggest that all people with cancer are the same, as ever this is about MY experience and mine alone. But bear with me, and I'll try and explain what I mean...
I am not by nature selfish peron. I feel I have to start by mentioning this, in case people just assume I've always been selfish and am just uing my condition as an excuse! Still, I'll try to prove it to you... Going back as far as I can remember, I've always enjoyed helping people; in my teens I volunteered as an assistant leader with a brownie pack, and as a helper on a summer playscheme for children with special needs. I have always enjoyed giving my time in a poductive and helpful way.
I also have a natural desire to make life easier on my loved ones. When I had my accident, I was painfully aware on the way it impacted on my family and close friends. I hated seeing the clearly exhausted faces on my family members when they came to visit, and pushed myself to appear as cheerful as possible for their sake, as much as mine.
The trouble with cancer is that it has to be a one man show. It is virtually impossible for anyone who hasn't been through it to fully understand, and frankly there are times when I get fed up with even trying. In the time between chemo cycles, I can be a little more considerate of others and think about how my illnss upsets them as well as me etc, but the minute I'm on chemo, I become very inward thinking and only concerned with how bad/tired/sick/alone I feel. And I know this is unfair. I know people care about me, and I know they want to see me better. But there are times when I just want to shut myself off and ignore people. So I do.
This means that if family members are arguing or upset, rather than adopt my usual role of peace keeper, I tend to leave the room- I can't handle stress. Likewise on the rare occasions these days when I'm actually out with friends. when I get tired I can be very blunt and just say "I've had enough, I need to go home now". And then I feel bad for being rude etc which makes me even more resentful!
I think there is hope for me, the fact that I feel bad about my behaviour and over analyse it, hopefully indicates that I'm not entirely selfish, I just have to place my needs for calm, rest and peace above everyone else for the sake of my health! So if I have been at al snappy with anyone (and there are a few out there), please accept my appologies, when all this is over I will do my best to resume normal service...
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