How much preparation is too much?!

I appreciate that each person who goes through a serious illness prepares for it in their own way, and it's important they find the method that works best for them. Generally for me, I cope by preparing myself in advance for all eventualities, but generally (if I'm honest); the worst case scenario. Unfortunately, some people mistake this for negativity and pessimism. I would argue that it's a sensible and realistic coping method.
When I had cancer the first time round, it was dificult to prepare for anything. I started having strange pins-and-needles type twitches in my face and hand and genuinely didn't have a clue what was going on. I did wonder if it was the result of some undetected head injury from my accident four years previously, and along with my GP, thought it might have been some form of epilepsy. And somewhere deep in my subconcious, every now and then I would find the word "tumour?" entering my thoughts. I tried to prepaare myelf for this possibility, but to friends and family suggested it was probbaly some weird nervous thing, or epilepsy- I didn't see the point of worrying them unecessarily. So when it was diagnosed, everyone was surprised except me, because somehow, my gut feeling had always been that it was the worst option...

second time around, there was no kidding myself. I knew the signs and had no doubt the cancer was back, and as such felt it a good idea to prepare family and friends for what was in my mind certain. Afterall a lot of them had gone through it with me last time, so I thought they'd prefer ample warning. However some of the reactions surprised and frustrated me. My family, as ever were great. When I told them I knew what it was, they believed me with out question, the general concensus being that I was most likely right. Some of my good friends, likewise listened and were there for me, knowing that I had had the symptoms before so was knowledgable enough to make a likely diagnosis. Sadly some of my friends refused to listen. I was met with a lot of "perhaps you were tired after the long flight back from Taiwan" (yeah...but have you ever had a fit after flying?), and "it's probably nothing"( except most fits and seizures indicate something...). Every time I insisted I knew what it was, I was told to "stay positive" . Now I know all these people's hearts were in the right place, but the problem is by preparing for the inevitble, I wasn't being negative, I was just setting everything up so thst I wouldn't fall apart when it was confirmed, I was preparing my friends for much the same reason. I was even more surprised following my scan results at the shock expressed by the same people. I'd been telling them for weeks that it was more than likely my cancer had come back, but all their "positive thinking" had allowed them to sink deeper into denial, so I wound up feeling like I almost had to comfort and support them!

IN this instance I am glad to have prepared myself. It wasn't a shock when I saw Dr R, and he has always noted I accept everything calmly. The truth is, one it was officially diagnosed, I felt a lot better as I knew treatment could start. However, then prepration fell apart a little. I was pretty sure I would be having another craniotomy, so started prepring myself for the grim prospect of more brain surgery. Then I was told they wpouldn't operate- something I hadn't planned for, and had to start learning about chemo.


Chemo itself requires a lot of prep. Today I started my 3rd cycle of chemo, and was better prepared than the first two times. I knew I was likely to be sick, so put a bowl in my room, and also decided to wait longer before I ate anything and try and sleep some of the nausia off. I think this has made today slightly better, although I was still ill, I felt better quickly.

The next preperation is for an MRI scan and review with Dr R before my next cycle begins. This is the halfway stage ( i have 6 cycles in total). To me there are only two possible outcomes to prepare for; I don't think I've got any worse. So am mainly ppreparing for the prospect that nothing has changed, or that I've actually improved. For the first time in my life, I may actually be leaning towards the better of the two options. THis isn't because I've sudenly taken a dose of positive pills. It's just tht for once positivity seems to be matching up with reality-the evidence is ther; my hand is back in use (although the fingertips are still numb), my walking has improved, and I'm no longer suffering from pressure headaches leading to vomiting. Unfortunately my energy levels are still low, and Istill dribble occasionally, but with 3 more rounds of chemo to go, these could still get better. Just wanted to prove that I CAN be positive- but only when it is realistic to do so.

Of course there are less pleasing possibilities to prepare fo in life. Ever since the first diagnosis in 2006, I prepared myself for the possibility of a recurrance, hence the manic travelling and life experiences I crammed into the last five years. I am pretty sure when this episode is over I will be prepared again for the possibility of it coming back (perhaps more than ever). Then there is that other grim reality of being a cancer sufferer, for whihc my prepration tends to freak people out. It's the elephant in the room, that nobody wants to mention.

I feel it is likely I will not have a long life expectancy compared with other people. my body has taken such a battering from this and my accident, that I don't think I'll be living to 100! To be honest thi doesn't phae me as much as you'd think- with all my mobility issues, should i live to an old age, I am likely to be severely arthritic and unabe to get around much without help, which for someone as ridiculously independent as myself, would be unthinkable!


Of course although I am prepared for this in theory, I dont really want to prepare for it in practice. If and when a medical practitioner tells me my number is up, I will deal with it and try my best to prepare, otherwise I refuse to even think about it , because sometimes too much prepaaration for the worst stops you from relishing hte good things in your life