My chemo can cause a strange reaction. By this I'm not talking about the sickness, loss of appetite, stiff muscles or tiredness that I am inflicted with. I'm talking about the strange reaction other people get, when on finding out I'm on chemo, their eyes move upwards to my head and clock that I still have hair...a lot of hair.
My particular chemoptherapy drug, Temozolomide (I think that's how it's spelt!)produces many side effects including the ones above, yet (unlike many other chemo drugs) hair loss is not one of them. So I still have my long hair to do with as I please. Most people are agreed that this is a good thing.
When I first found out I was to have chemo (rather than surgery) this time, a lot of my friends and family were concerned. Bizarrely though I found the mention that I would keep my hair, seemed to appease everybody. "Well that's not too bad then..", "So it's not very strong then?.." . Despite the fact that I regularly feel a shadow of myself regarding energy and fitness, the general concencous is that if I keep my hair, I must be okay.
It's a strange concept. When I had my first run in of cancer six years ago, I had surgery followed by radiotherapy. At that time I'd been growing my hair and it was down way past my waist. Prior to surgery, they had to shave a section away on my right hand side, which was a little unsettling, by the time this had started growing, I had radiotherapy on that side of my head and it all fell out again, with a bit extra for good measure... Luckily with long hair and a selection of head scarfs I was able to cover it up easily, although when it grew back -curly (my hair's always been straight!); it was harder, and I eventually opted to keep it a little shorter until it had grown out a lot more.
I have to admit, dispite the gracvity of a recurrent tumour, even I was pleased not to lose my hair this time, particularly as, in my case, I have a large craniotomy scar on my head which is nicely covererd up by my barnet, and I don't really want it on display.
There are times when I wonder if a person with a cancer, can afford to be vain, but then I think, wanting to look like yourself (or at least having control over your appearance), has little to do with vanity at all. When you become ill, much of your life from diagnosis to treatment (and beyond) becomes such a huge chunk of your existence, that it's hard to know where the cancer ends and you begin...
I'm not a vain person, thankfully. with the mass of scars I own due to my accident in 2001, vanity would be a path to disaster. Thankfully my scars for the main part are hidden under clothing, apart from the summer when I venture into sleeveless tops and dresses and the odd swimming costume on holiday, to be honest though my scars have never bothered me much as they have faded quite nicely, and are a reminder of how far I've come since that terrible time.
If I were truely vain many things would bother me, such as the dry skin I hasve as a result of my treatment. The lovely dribbling that somwtimes occurs when eating due to the remainders of left-sided weakness...
Taking pride in my appearance is important, primarily because it makes ME feel better. Seriously if some idiot has a problem with my scarring, or the way I look, It really is THEIR problem, but I want to feel good about myself.
Going back to the accident, I spent the first month (of four over all) in intensive care, where nurses and doctors faught to keep me alive, so undersandably, my appearance was put to the side. As a result, by the time I was more alert, my hair hadn't been brushed much (let alone washed for about five weeks! Luckily when I was moved to the ward a nurse realised this made me feel uncomfortable and not only washed and brushed it, but also shaved my (jungle-like) legs too! This simple action mad me feel about a million times better.
It's also nice not to look ill. As most people associate loss of hair with cancer, most people will look at me in the street and not realise anything is wrong. I like this, I don't want to be the "cancer girl" anymore than I enjoyed being the "hit-and-run" girl after my accident was featured on the local BBC news, and I had to go everywhere (visably) in a wheelchair for ten months.
I like looking the same as always, and like myself, so like the majority, I find myself agreeing that keeping my hair is probably a good thing...
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