All too much...

Firstly a quick apology to anyone I worried with my FB status and/or emotional texts, and to one friend in particular (you know who you are), you have been awsome today, and I am so thankful to have you in my life, infact all my friends nd family are an awsome bunch, hold on tight cause the rollercoaster ain't over yet.... Today, I had what is known in the trade as a "wobble". Dr R asked how I was coping and the next thing I knew was that I'd become a blubbering wreck! It may surprise you to know that today was the first time Dr R has ever seen me cry. I don't make a habit, but I've been so physically and emotionally exhausted, that it was inevitible. He handled it well, and my key nurse Sarah did grab some emergency tissues. He has decided an MRI is not necessary at the moment. Going on my symptoms, he wants to get started on a new chemo regime as soon as possible. This time it'll be a combo of drugs called "Bevacizumab"(Avastin) and 2Irinotecan(Campto) These will be given via IV :( every two weeks for two hours at a time. There is a vast range of possible side effects including hair loss (least of my worries right now) and good old sickness and fatigue (nothing new there..) . I had to ign consent forms again, and then Dr R floored me with the never asked question "what will you do if it doesn't work?" and here's the thing: I don't know. I hope I would find a way to deal with it that causes the least pain to myself, friends and family, but I can't promise it. I want to be okay with dying if necessary, but I'm only 34 and terrified, I'm not ready, and there's o much more I want to do. Perhaps if I had a deep routed faith it would be easier to deal with, but I've bee a practising athiest/humanist for over 20 years and can't see that changing any time soon. I'm hoping to find a little bit of energy to push forward and at least get some quality time before I get really ill, because it will happen eventually, chemo can reduce brain umours, but there is no cure, which again is something I have to come to terms wit. I will be starting treatment in the next couple of weeks, until then I aim to rest as much as possible and welcome any jokes/amusing annecdotes my friends can throw at me. I don't want this to consume me, it has already done far too much...