going backwards sucks!

This last couple of weeks has been a bit weird as all the progress I made in the first three months of chemo ( back when it was actually working!) has taken a rather dramatic and backward leap, and I'm now coping with some all-too-familiar symptoms such a poorer walking and the return of "useless left hand". Actually my hand's not completely useless, but I think it's almost certainly getting that way, and is getting slightly worse each day. Of course the reasons this is more than a little depressing are that it 1) draws attention to the fact the tumour is still there, and 2) suggests that the tumour is still growing or at any rate certainly not shrinking which means 3) some further form of chemo is likely to be inevitble. Following my last meeting with Dr R- when I was told the chemo had stopped working- I knew that further treatment was the most likely outcome, but you can't help hoping that by some miracle the tumour will shrink or stabalise on its own without any intervention. Sadly in this instance, I think miracles are not about to happen. in view of my walking not being great, I've got myself a new stick, previously on bad days I used a hiking pole I use on holidays, but I decided a stick would be an investment. Even when (fingers crossed!) the cancer stuff is over, my walking is unlikely to be brilliant. Almost a decade has passed since my accident, and the implanting of lots of metal in my limbs, so it was due for a bit of deterioration anyways. Choosing a stick is quite an effort these days. Gone are the days of dull wooden canes; now there's an array of materials and designs. Many like mine are metal and foldable, and you can choose from a selection of patterns. It was important for me to get a collapsing stick; I have good days and bad days, so wanted something I can keep in my bag until I need it. I also had my physio appointment through today for the 19th June. I last had physiotherapy 10 years ago but I asked my GP to refer me again in the hope I can do something to strengthen my arm and my leg; if I can, I want to prevent as much decline as I can. In nicer news, Tuesday was (as well as the Jubilee) my birthday. Thankfully the weather behaved itself and perhaps bizarrely (given the circumstances), I think it was one of the nicest birthdays I've had in a long time. It was nice having the country in holiday mode, and after last year in Taiwan, it was nice to be able to celebrate with family and friends at home. I have a fair bit of free time at the moment thanks to this "chemo break". In fact in the normal routine I'd have just finished another cycle yesterday, although pysically I have gone a little backward, the freedom of not having to wake early for the tablets is fantastic, as is the lack of nausia, and the slight improvement in my energy levels, am glad I still have over a month to go until anything new is decided, so until then have a chance to get myself strong and ready.