Can't Do, Won't Do...

I have been getting more than a little irritated this week. Between you and me I've never reacted well to not being able to do things. Granted in the past I've had moments of being lazy and choosing not to do things, but thats different. What I'm stuck with now is being restricted, which frustrates the hell out of me. For an example, just attempted to do the washing up after Sunday lunch, had to abandon it half way through, as I was finding it hard to stand for long plus with my grip, I was scared I'd start dropping things. And that's crazy, right? Actually wanting to do the washing up?!?! And the thing is normally I wouldn't want to, but at the moment I'd give anything to have my hand functioning properly. The other thing that's bugging me is the prospect of having to cancel my holiday to Italy in September. I originally booked it when I thought I'd only have 6 cycles of chemo and would be done by then. Unfortunately. as we all know, things didn't go according to plan when the chemo stopped working. Given my symptoms, I think it's safe to assume the tumour is unlikely to go away on its on and further treatment will be necessary. Depending on the type and start date, I may have to cancel my trip which really sucks! However nothing is set in stone, so fingers crossed it may still happen.... and if not, I'm already lining up some other possible holidays for early next year! It's been just over a month now since my last chemo cycle and (obviously) the longest gap I've had since starting. I've been trying to work out which (if any symptoms were caused by the chemo, rather than the tumour. It's a hard one to call. Most such as the left-sided weakness and poor balance would appear to be the work of the BT. However the nausia seems to be mostly chemo based, although I won't talk too soon as I had a lot of sickness before starting treatment. As far as the tiredness goes it's too early to say. At the moment I am still tired a lot of the time, this may be due to the tumour, but may actually still be due to the chemo, which can stay in your system for a considerable length of time. It'll be interesting to see how I feel towards the end of my two month break. Other things are also still present. My fits have reduced thanks to medicine, but I still have one every 4-6 weeks; proof that there is probably still something messing up my nervous system, and another (oh-so attractive) trait is the occasional dribbling from the left side of my mouth. I make sure I wipe my mouth as Standard if I eat anything, and am constantly checking the mirror, sadly this may prove to be long-term thanks to all the nerve damage caused by fitting and chemo. So there you go, I wouldn't say I'm feeling overly negative at the moment, but I am getting fed up with my situation. It has gone on far longer than I expected, especially considering how quickly, in comparrison, it was dealt with first time around. But as I have learnt through others there isno "normal" brain tumour experience; some are dealt with in weeks, and some battles can go on for years. I'm hoping mine is months rather than years, but until I know what's going on, I will try to just relax and not worry about the things I have no control over...